My confessions
Oh well..I have been day dreaming alot lately. I was immersed in the world of my own reflections. ..the recollections of my past just returned inevitably.
From that haughty lil pampered spoilt brat in pri.sch..to that meek studious nerd in sec.sch...transformed into the loud yet cinderella-mentality kinda jc gal to the practical and more down-to-earth person who i can safely proclaim to be mature today.. esp in her tots...but maybe others may misunderstood her occassional blur-ness n bimbotic actions to be crazy n kiddy... haha. I made the effort to clarify myself cos i know all of u may beg to differ. Hahahaha. nah. Seriously, i'm actually quite a shy person. i know no one believes me. blah. Other than my confident n outgoing personality or rather facade... theres this inner me thats closetted n waiting to be discovered...i know it.
I'm not wallowing in self-pity. However I realised that i can be this insecure lil 'bitch' (pardon my words). This is my lil secret...
The first thing u do when u wake up every morning is to perhaps pay the toilet a visit. But for me.. its a natural thing to take a stare at the mirror. HAHA. i know i'm vain. But this has become an unintentional habit. There are mornings when my sugar-coated mind states" Thank god, Fz.. u r looking pretty today". Yet there are bad days when the devil calls and shouts..."y r u never-thin-enough?! or whats that eye-luggage doing there? " I'm not embarrassed to say that this r the lil struggles of my self-consciousness. However, i try not to let these ruin my day. This is simply because, a person is happy when he believes he is.
Yesh. I do have many lovely friends out there who are really concerned about me. For this, i feel extremely blessed. Really. However, as an only child, its easy for me to succumb to loneliness. I may seem like this 'social butterfly' that flutters relentlessly to the extent of looking like an entertaining clown infront of her frens... but all these joy n humour maybe true at times, yet it can also be a channel for me to mask the emptiness i feel.
Its a selfish thinking.. but as i grow up, i am really afraid that my parents who are aging everyday will leave me eventually. I know that this will happen sooner or later. Or perhaps u guys may think that i am just being plain pessismistic or am thinking too much... well, the truth is, i dun know if i have the courage to face it. I am not this brave gal. I have many unsaid fears too... I am afraid of facing this world alone. I have half-siblings...but no matter what, we are never gonna be as close simply due to the fact that we didnt grow up together. I bet i feel closer to my pri.sch frens n besties compared to them.
After my grandma's death, i realised how difficult is it for me to let things go. Maybe my pride is at work, but i do bottle my emotions. I start to overlook certain petty lil details in life... cos i want to work hard n be a filal daughter for as far as time allows me to. Cos time waits for no man. The thought of not having ur parents around forever leaves me shaken. I feel that this is not the qns of whether i am independent, but i guess i'm just this emotionally attached gal or woman-to-be as some may consider.
y am i unattached. gd qns. i have been trying to ans this qns (frm many ppl)several times that i have kinda formulated a model answer. haha. Truly, i guess its either my expectations r too high or i'm not gd enough or perhaps it wasnt the right time, moment n etc. for anything to fall into place.
Sometimes i think i am being difficult with myself. I know of ppl who changes r/s every now n then but to me... i think a r/s should always be a mutual thing.. Its a commitment to me...n i know many r afraid of using this term. I am not ur lala-type of girl that takes r/s as lightly as the breeze. The truth is, we do not always get what we want in life.
Eg: B-boy, G-girl, C-boy
Sometimes it can be (1) B likes G...and G likes C...but C is either ignorant or the time is not ripe
(2) B and C like G... but G ends up not choosing any.
(3) B, C, G are good frens...there were occasional sparks...but guess
protecting the friendship is more important.
(4) G doesn't know what B or C is thinking. neither does B and C know. So
its the endless guessing game.
(5) G meets someone new, yet both sides simply didnt seize the
opportunity n *poof* its gone like ystd. Blame it on fate then. haha
OMG. i can't stand myself. my life is like a drama. When i die one day, i think its enough to reproduce it into a Mediacorp production that will last for a yr. HAHA.
Oh god. bless me with the strength to overcome my fears in life and most importantly my studies. I just wanna be this good girl with great company. I want to seize n treasure every moment.
I didnt realise that i knew how to regret in life. I am glad for the achievements i earned so far but i know that i haven't stretched my potential to the max. I want company (not desperate though) yet i claim that i do not need it. I may need some attention yet i state otherwise n resort to hiding in my shelter like a hermit crab.
I'm just this contradicting thing who knows what she wants yet may not always get it. period.
